I’d really like to stop talking about my boobs. Honestly. But the world just won’t let me forget just how freakishly obscene they are right now. And that means you get to hear all about it. So, earmuffs children. Or maybe eyepatches. Either way, it’s about to get personal up in here.
Because last week as I was hauling my suitcase up the hill to the airport shuttle at 7am, waddling and visibly pregnant, a lone Parisian garbage truck driver took it upon himself to honk in my direction. And as I glanced over to see what all the fuss was about, I saw that he was hanging out window, open mouthed, cupping the air with both hands in front of his chest in an obscene-looking gesture that I could only interpret as “Hey lady! Nice elephant tits!“
Seriously. What kind of world do we live in? On what planet is that necessary? And what, exactly, are slimy guys hoping to achieve by making drive by catcalls to pregnant ladies? It was certainly not quite the sendoff I was hoping for. Thank god I was leaving the godforsaken sexist streets of Europe for the kinder, more polite folks in North Carolina.
But not 45 minutes after my arrival in the genteel south, I was greeted warmly by a CVS cashier lady in Charlotte who thought it completely appropriate to ask, “Girl, when are you due? Look at them big ol’ titties!“
I stood speechless for a minute. Clearly she meant well. But did she honestly just say big old titties? Yes. Yes she did. So I smiled and told her the baby was due in July. And then considered buying some oversize trash bags to drape over myself to avoid any further confrontations.
Seriously, are my nipples alone an open invitation to say the first inappropriate thing that comes to mind? I mean, if that’s the case, let’s just go ahead and get it all out there now while I still find it relatively funny and my hormones haven’t reached peak scariness. Because at some point I might snap and start wielding these things as deadly weapons in response. You know, crushing people’s skulls with the weight of one breast and such.
* * *
le nichon (luh nee-shaugh) – boob or tit.
le sein (luh sai) – breast
la poitrine (lah pwah-treen) – chest
“I’m so glad we can all have a good laugh about my nichons. Seriously, the sein jokes never get old!”