Recap of my conversation this morning with our French bank, which confirms that I am living in an alternate universe:
Madame, there is a problem with the account. I think someone tried to cash a check, and there isn’t enough money to cover it.
Uh, ok. I didn’t write any checks though. Can you tell me who the check was written to? Or for how much?
No.
Um, you can’t tell me anything?
No. I could have told you yesterday. But now I can’t tell you until tomorrow. Because that’s how the system works.
Right.
Unlikely Diplomat 
can hardly wait until tomorrow…
keep us posted… nate probably
bought you a really big present!!
hahahahahaa turns out there wasn’t a problem after all! They had me mixed up with someone else.